Have you seen this man?

Wanted

Have you seen this man? If so, you may be able to help police with their enquiries. Darryn King (21) is wanted for gross negligence and malfeasance involving a tortoise. The alleged act took place on multiple occasions over the past two years, leaving the tortoise emotionally crippled, and more than a little bit sore around his naughty bits.

The tortoise, who wishes to remain unnamed, alleges that Darryn King "bought me dinner, told me he loved me, and promised that he'd never leave". Indeed, for the first couple of weeks, things were rosy. But then it all turned nasty.

"He brought all these horrible contraptions home. I tried escaping into my shell, but he had a disgusting tool to get me out of there too. My own private sanctuary -- violated. His horribleness knew no bounds. He wanted to do it from behind, in a group, even interracial. He wanted me to get naked with a turtle, for God's sake."

If you have any information on the whereabouts of this filthy mistake of a human, please contact the police immediately. You can also contact Spleen Central, and we'll be sure to pass the information on. After having a good laugh about it, of course.