In Bed with John and Cindy

A television programme... with a difference! Have you ever thought of breakfast morning television as staid, boring, uninteresting? If you did, the authors wholeheartedly agree with you, and concede that nothing we can do is going to improve that.

We can, however, offer an interesting gimmick, whereby your hosts — John and Cindy — present interviews and infomercial segments in bed, wearing their pyjamas.

JOHN: Thank you for the warm words of welcome, Kieren. Tonight on the programme, we have Father Peter Pecker, an ultra-conservative Catholic priest.

FATHER PETER: Hello, John. Thank you for having me on the programme.

CINDY: Good evening, Father Peter. Thank you for visting us. We’re only just getting established, and we’re having a hard time securing a decent guest roster. There’s a certain type of guest we’re after, and we’re having a singularly bad time booking them... Brad Pitt, Colin Farrell, Orlando Bloom...

FATHER PETER: Tom Cruise, I’d imagine...

CINDY: Oh, God, no. He volunteered, but we had to say no. There’s something not right in that man’s head.

JOHN: I think it’s got something to do with religion, hasn’t it? That junk he believes has poisoned his mind.

FATHER PETER: That’s an interesting thing to say, John. It’s funny you should mention that.

JOHN: I think so, too. That’s pretty much what you’re involved in, right?

FATHER PETER: Religion? Well, yes, that’s true. Although, I must say that I must make a distinction between Scientology and Christianity. There’s a difference there.

JOHN: Really? What’s that?

FATHER PETER: Well, one doctrine preaches that our loving God gave his only son to us, and that he was crucified and rose from the dead…

JOHN: [laughing] Well, yes, that is quite stupid, isn’t it?

FATHER PETER: And then there’s Scientology. It has a system of eight Operating Thetan levels, whereby information is only divulged to a select few. And, even when it is, it tends to be fantastic and highly unbelievable.

JOHN: I’m sorry, I can’t see the difference.

FATHER PETER: You don’t believe that the Lord created the universe, and everything within it?

JOHN: Not particularly, no. I think the scientists are doing quite well in that department, without the Lord’s help. Hell, they’re doing it without government funding. That is dedication.

FATHER PETER: I don’t know what to say to that.

CINDY: All right, John. Perhaps we should move on. Do you have another question?

JOHN: I think I might… buried here somewhere… Ah, yes, here we go. Father Peter — are you aware that both your first and last names are synonyms for the male penis?

FATHER PETER: They are? I’ve never heard the words in that usage.

JOHN: Oh, come on… I find that hard to believe. You’ve never seen a particularly attractive young schoolboy and wanted to stick your peter in him somewhere?

FATHER PETER: Please! What are you saying?

JOHN: What about your pecker? Have you ever innocently bumped into young children and felt it, say, come to attention?

FATHER: Oh, Mother Mary and Joseph! These things you’re saying.

CINDY: John! Father Penis has a point. Leave the poor man alone.