Spleen Central

Welcome to Spleen Central -- a place to discuss spleen, and other unassailable parts of the human body. Do you have a body part of note that you'd like to share with the world? Most people do, so give it a go!

Friday, September 08, 2006

The legend of the misplaced apostrophe

Spotted on The Sydney Morning Herald's website:

Video news:
Peter Brock dies in crash
Are Australian's racist?
Phones smuggled in colon

Besides the obvious (and troubling) implications of telephones being inserted into colons (after passing -- presumably -- through rectums first), what the hell is that apostrophe doing there in the second item?

This is Australia's oldest broadsheet, for fuck's sake.

A question for the lexicographers

When did the term "fatty boom-sticks" fall from favour and, more importantly, why?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Fashionistas

I must admit something -- I don't particularly "get" fashion. And I'm not even talking about the cut of fine Italian suits, or anything so refined. I've been told on countless occasions that the two predominant colours in my outfit don't "go" together. Don't "go" together? We're talking about colours here, not elements of the periodic table.
Nonetheless, I feel I have sufficient knowledge about the world in general to comment upon the latest trends in fashion, if only to ridicule them mercilessly.
A favourite target of mine? Sunglasses.
You see, this is an indication of how far fashion has gone that we're even talking about sunglasses. As far as I understood it, sunglasses were a necessary part of one's summer attire -- that is, they actually served some function. This applies both to glasses with prescription lenses, and those without. Either way, they are performing an admirable service.
But now, it seems, the sole goal of sunglasses is to dwarf the nose on the wearer's face. I was sitting on the train today, opposite from three young women on their way to work. Each was wearing a pair of sunglasses, and each successive pair was larger than the last. It's gotten to the stage where Earth will be a beacon to intergalactic travellers -- from space, aliens will be able to see the Great Wall of China and a cavalcade of oversized Chanel sunglasses.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Sordid celebrity secrets

We've all heard of certain movie stars changing their names to make themselves appear more glamorous. Marilyn Monroe rose from the ashes of Norma Jean Mortenson, John Wayne used to be known as Marion Morrison, and, shockingly, Bob Saget was once known as Robert Saget.
But do you know about the less-publicised name changes? Hold on to your seats, because I guarantee that my findings are going to shock you.
Lucy Liu used to be known as Lucy Poo. True!
Tom Cruise once had the unfortunate name Tom Poos. Shocking!
Respected political journalist Laurie Oakes was actually born Laurie Pack-Of-Smokes. Horrifying!
Possibly-just-as-respected political journalist (if anybody actually watched him) Quentin Dempster was christened Quentin Dumpster. Run for the hills!
We'll have more on this later. Trust me. Stay tuned.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Authentic Thai food and the steady-state theory

Okay, you left-wing pinkos (pinkoes?):
Fred Hoyle. Heard of him?
A scientist from England, he was responsible for the phrase "the Big Bang". This is not say, however, that he was a proponent of the associated theory. Oh, God no. He coined the phrase in a flash of inspiration, and felt nothing but derision towards those who felt that something could come from nothing.
What Fred Hoyle was advocating was a steady-state universe: something that always was, and would always be. The idea that a universe could be either expanding or contracting was anathema to him. In his world, the universe stayed exactly where it was, and that was that. I'm not too sure his specific rebuttal to the evidence that the universe was expanding (proved through Doppler studies and the red-shift of distant galaxies), but the reader can rest assured that he wasn't too fond of the idea.
This leads me to cuisines of the world. When it comes to migration policy, there are essentially two groups of people -- those who favour the arrival of immigrants, and those who don't. Similarly, when it comes to exotic dishes, there are also two groups of people -- those who fancy all of the cuisines of the world (and, inevitably, think of themselves as "cultured" because they do), and those who don't.
There appears, on the basis of my research, to be a correlation between these two sets of people. Namely, that the people who favour pronounced immigration are likely to be the same people who enjoy eating many and varied cuisines of the world.
This isn't my problem, really -- these people can eat whatever they want, and invite whomever they want into the country. What I'd like to point out to them, however, is that they're poisoning their own well. Bringing it back to Fred Hoyle, the "steady state" model is infeasible. Just as a steady-state universe would fast run out of energy and cease to function (look it up in an encyclopaedia), so would a steady-state culinary model such as the one advocated.
Let's talk through this so that I may demonstrate the point. The old Thai woman who runs a shop down the street and produces the most fantastically spicy Thai food is a product of her birthplace. She was born in Thailand, educated in a Thai frame of mind, and acquired her cooking skills based on the knowledge passed down from her teachers and ancestors (all of whom, coincidentally, were Thai). This old Thai lady then migrates to a different country, and begins selling her Thai cuisine. "See the fruits of multiculturalism!" the people chime, citing the authentic Thai food and revelling in the spice and variety of life.
This is my point. Note the word "authentic" in the preceding paragraph. This Thai woman's cooking is special because it was the product of an "authentic" Thai upbringing. This woman is also, presumably, set enough in her ways that she will continue to produce authentic Thai food, no matter what her geographical location.
The problem, of course, is the children of this Thai lady and, even more likely, the children of the Thai women's children. By this point in time, the authentic Thai influence has been dilulted -- presuming the children even do remain in the restaurant business, their culinary viewpoint will have been cross-pollinated. A hamburger here, a curry there, a stir-fry here, some spaghetti there. This appears to be a trend in cooking at the moment. It's called "fusion".
Okay, so far so good. This shouldn't matter, however, as long as there remains authentic Thai chefs growing up in isolated corners of Thailand to perpetuate the authentic style of cooking. What happens, though, if the vacancy the Thai woman leaves in Thailand is filled by a person from a different country moving to Thailand? The some cross-pollination policy occurs, only this time in reverse.
My point is -- give this time (and, I'm not kidding you people, it will take a lot of time), and all differences will be mitigated. The food will become essentially the same, thus removing the spark that makes authentic Thai food special in the first place. This already happens at a lower level when we see established national cuisines -- the French cook a certain way, and the Germans another, because there is a consistency to the people and their experiences. Prior to the twentieth century, travel restrictions and the lack of an international media experience ensured that there was enough separation to keep different food streams authentic.
This can be demonstrated in a similar fashion using the English language. Prior to the world wars, the different strains of English in the world were quite distinct. There was the occasional traveller, but the volume of traffic was not enough to effect a significant change. Indeed, scholars of that time feared that the strains of American and British English would travel down separate paths, with the end result that speakers of one language would be unintelligible to speakers of the other.
However, with television, radio and films, differences begin to be discarded. That which was common to all strains remains, and the idiosyncrasies are ironed out -- usually, the dominant strain's methods are imposed on the subservient strain. We can see this happening in our fair Australia -- most young children will now pronounce "clerk" as "clurk" and "territory" and "terry-tor-y". The sad thing, I think, is that most young people will not even realise that they are, in effect, breaking with tradition.
This is a roundabout way of saying that, by advocating the multiculturalism that makes life so appealing, certain people are wiping out the very spice they are advocating. This would be a problem for me if I actually liked Thai food, but since I think the food is the spawn of Satan's butthole (to use the proper culinary term), I've got nothing to worry about.

Friday, September 01, 2006

"Grammer" Nazis

I was having a look at the blogs on the Sydney Morning Herald website, and I ran across an interesting bit of correspondence -- two people, both quite twitty, and I couldn't work out which one of them upset me more.
To illustrate, here is the first message:
*has got to be the* - *has to be* the will do fine.have
got to be, i've got to be, it's got to be, whatever's got to be.what has
happened to our grammer?i have to be. we have to be. etc.apart from this basic
grammer that occurs everywhere nowadays (and i am loathe to use such a word) it
is a significant misgiving (and code fault, amognst it's many code faults) that
this message board has major problems with apostrophes, colons; semi-colons,
apostrophes, and various other grammical requirements of the english language.
very dissappointing, given that it is database driven, and given my years of
management of database driven sites, smh disappoints me with their lack of blog
capabilites (i would have half their team on solving their blog design problems,
let alone the site design issues - oh, for another life...).and why am i
bothering here?because, to date, i have (observe the non use of i've) found no
other outlet to express my concerns, so i am using the currently availalbe
meduim, and i'm hoping......
This was posted by somebody with the screen-name "englishnazi".
A reply was posted thusly:
Englishnazi:Suggest you do a spellcheck before lecturing
others on their lack of grammar!!!! Three words can sum up your post. Pot.
Kettle. Black.
This was posted by somebody with the screen-name "Goose".
Firstly, this "englishnazi" fellow/fellowette is a tit. Besides the occurrences of the word "grammer" (and let's not forget its adjective -- "grammical"), the word "loathe" appears, when it should be, in this context, "loath".
Then we've got the reply -- which quotes the venerable "pot calling the kettle black" proverb. In this case, it pains me to say, it doesn't matter. What "Goose" appears to be saying is that englishnazi's observations on the grammar of the posters are not valid, simply because englishnazi him-/herself employed suspect grammar.
This is (another) logical fallacy. If both the kettle and the pot are black, what difference does it make if one identifies the other as such? Would the kettle be any less black, just because the thing identifying it as black was also black? Of course not.
All this being said, perhaps there were some crossed wires. If all this talk of "grammer" was supposed to relate to the loveable and Right-leaning star of TV's "Frasier", I stand corrected. To demonstrate my love, here is a photo:

$0 joining fees

I was walking past a gym on my way to work today (the prevalence of which will be the topic of a future post, believe me), and there were a number of signs in front of the building: "Join today -- no joining fee!" read one, while another said: "Join today and pay a $0 joining fee."
Besides the fact that it is pretty much ridiculous that I would surrender any money to pay for the privilege of sweating, I was plunged into deep thought by these signs -- they're not really the same thing, are they?
"No joining fee" means that there is no charge for the transaction. There is "no fee" for breathing in air -- this doesn't mean it's free (even though it is), but, technically, it means that no economic transaction is actually taking place. A "$0 joining fee", on the other hand, would imply that there is a transaction of some form occurring; it's just that, in this case, the amount of money transferred is zero.
Anybody agree with me?